How motherhood led me home to myself and my truest calling, by Andy Lawrence.
Before I became a mother, I was a successful scientist, respected in my field with many published research papers to my name. For the most part, I did not enjoy my work, but I was good at it and I just assumed that everyone felt unmotivated in their jobs. My favourite part of my work day was always the deep conversations had in the lunchroom that I seemed adept at eliciting from colleagues and that I relished being part of. My most motivating moments were in deep connection with other people.
When I became pregnant with my first child, I used all my research skills to educate myself on all things ‘birth’. I was a very good ‘birth’ scientist and soon amassed a wealth of knowledge about optimal health, evidence-based practice and navigating our maternity system.
And then birth, as birth is wont to do, threw me a curveball.
My waters broke, I messaged my whole family excitedly expressing the imminence of our baby’s arrival, then waited for labour to begin.
Only, it didn’t.
I waited: walking, dancing, bouncing, yearning for contractions to begin. I watched as the clock tipped past 24 hours, 36 hours, then 48 hours. I knew the data: the clock pushed me further and further into the tiny proportion of women whose contractions take more than 48 hours to begin after membranes rupturing. At 50 hours, I hit my own threshold of comfort, took myself and my husband into the hospital and asked to be induced. This story ends with the beautiful water birth of my first daughter, but the two days prior to her birth were agonising. It was in those two days that I realised: despite all my knowledge and data, I am alone. I deeply craved and needed a safe and trusted person or people to hold space for me and my partner as we navigated the deviation from our desired path.
The birth of my daughter awakened my inner voice and I began to listen to my own feelings, including my desire to connect deeply with others. In preparation for birthing my second daughter 18 months later, I radically built myself a village of women to hold me through the process. I did this by attending women’s circles. These gatherings were so supportive and so transformative that now I run my own circles in the community.
My first daughter taught me the power of birth and my second daughter taught me the power of motherhood.
Both taught me that neither birth nor motherhood happen in a vacuum. Our transition to motherhood, our matrescence, occurs within community: within a rich tapestry of relationships, each adding its own flavour to a mother’s experience. Our experience of birth, and whether we experience it as traumatic or empowering depends on how we feel about it. And how we feel depends on whether we were listened to and respected. The best way to achieve this is to have continuity of care with a known care provider. Yet, this is hard to come by in our public health system. Doula care is one way to create continuity of care regardless of where and how you give birth.
My birth experiences were vastly different. I learnt from my first birth that I could gather all the data I wanted, I could gain a second PhD on birth if I so desired. But the thing I really needed, that all mothers, that all humans need is connection. Deep, attuned, loving connection.
My second birth was wrapped in the warmth of trusted relationships and a loving community: a doula, private midwife and new soulful friends. And the difference was palpable. The experience allowed me to see the commonality in all people, our needs and our pain that remind us of our mammalian nature, and the achy paradox of joy and struggle that defines our existence as humans on this earth. I felt called to lean into the intangible but undeniable aspects of birth and being human.
I felt called to become a loving presence to walk beside women and celebrate them as they traverse their rite of passage into parenthood. It is a role that feels profoundly fulfilling.
That is how I came to be where I am today: in deep connection with myself, other women, my community and the earth. That is how I made my way from data to doula.
For full-spectrum doula care, mother-centred celebrations and women’s circles, visit andylawrence.com.au
