Your Future with Starlight Bob

Step aside, Mark Zuckerberg. We’ve got a new columnist named Starlight Bob  and his kind have been using Zodiacal data to track and predict human behaviour for millennia

Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb 18

Jupiter has 53 moons. These will never align!  Similar to your MasterCard after coming home drunk and doing some online shopping!

Pisces | Feb 19 to March 20

The Mars moons Phobos and Deimosform complete an eclipse of the red planet. This is a cause for celebration. Ohh, it could also be
your birthday.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Romance is on your horizon. After all, your friends have put up a fake Tinder profile with some interesting details on it. Expect photos from inmates from Goulburn Supermax jail.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

There comes a time in a man’s life when he begins to take stock – his thoughts turn to his place in the world, his impending mortality, and the meaning of life, if any at all… But yours will stay pretty much focused on beer and fart jokes.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your love life will be similar to the car bearing the same name as your star sign: old, beat up and rarely gets out of second gear.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’d always dreamed of the many glamorous ways you could be spending your Lotto wins. Would be handy if you remembered to buy a
ticket every now and again.

Leo | July 23 to Aug 22

Your finances are as secure and safe as the people who wear their ‘covid’ masks under their chin or, in some cases, chins.

Virgo | Aug 23 to Sept 22

Despite your claims of being environmentally friendly, you still choose to drive to the supermarket rather than the 10-minute walk.
Time to walk the walk.

Libra | Sept 23 to Oct 22

You will be mortified as your love life is slower than driving through Thirroul on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Like the traffic jams, it looks like this will remain for the foreseeable future.

Scorpio | Oct 23 to Nov 21

Your work-life will resemble a swim down at Austi beach. Looking sweet and enjoyable until you get caught in a rip. Whilst putting your hand up for help, your friends will just think you are waving.

Sagittarius | Nov 22 to Dec 21

Confusion will reign in your household as you profess to believe in Karma and all the universe has to offer, yet your partner thought you said Kama Sutra. Best you do some stretches.

Capricorn | Dec 22 to Jan 19

Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, your kids still won’t listen to you and want you to be like their friends’ parents. You know, the cool ones.