What April holds for you

Think predictive text is smart? Wait until you read your future according to Starlight Bob

Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb 18

Beware of Scams, like the ones the brothels advertise in the Mercury stating they have one-hour specials. Seriously, what are you going to do for the other 56 minutes?

Pisces | Feb 19 to March 20

Your fortunes will change in the foreseeable future. All you need to do is send that $10,000 to the Nigerian prince so he can free up his millions that are locked in a Swiss bank. Then he will send you the $12,000,00.00 he has promised.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You have been struck down with the dreaded Covid. Be strong and with the help of others you will get through this. In the mail you’ll receive a card from your Ex. Your hands will be trembling as you open up the card, thinking reconciliation may be on the horizon. Unfortunately, it is not a ‘get well’ card but a ‘get well and truly #@&%ed’ card.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your new partner in your life is sweet, handsome and charming. But it is a concern that he does not want you to watch the news or google his name. Remember to put your hand over the ATM to protect your PIN when he is around.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Expressing a fake emotion is fine. Like smiling through your teeth when meeting your friend’s new partner. Some people may think you are manipulative, but that’s okay. You may have been alone on Valentine’s Day but no need to worry: you are alone on the other 364 days of the year as well.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Things seem to be going well with your new partner. After sharing a lovely dinner with their family, on the drive home you ask to go through the drive-thru at Woonona Maccas, stating you did not like their mother’s cooking. Expect him to leave you at McDonald’s and face the long walk home. Lucky you found out he is a mummy’s boy before you moved in with him.

Leo | July 23 to Aug 22

It is time to take responsibility in your own life. You can’t call you mother up at 10pm and say you want her to pick you up as you are done baby-sitting! It’s not called baby-sitting when they are your OWN kids! Don’t feel pressure from your family to follow in their footsteps into the entertainment industry. You come from a long line of entertainers… even your sewing machine was a ‘Singer’.

Virgo | Aug 23 to Sept 22

Apparently Mercury is your ruling planet. Be comforted in the fact it will be here long after you have gone. Now, it is time to ask for a raise as you have worked hard over the past 12 months. Walk into the boss’s office with extreme confidence. Like a four-year-old with his Superman costume on.

Libra | Sept 23 to Oct 22

You are one of a kind and you are beautiful. Despite a number of Tinder dates not working out. Post a photo of yourself this century and you may not be so disappointed. You are struggling to work out where you fit in the world. Remember there are three types of people: ones that understand mathematics and the ones that don’t.

Scorpio | Oct 23 to Nov 21

Work stress is playing havoc in your life and you’re struggling to sleep. Even counting sheep fails. Try counting how many times James Reyne sings ‘then the boys light up’. Surely it has to be 125!

Sagittarius | Nov 22 to Dec 21

Your relationship is teetering on the edge. Arguments are more frequent and seem to go on forever. Please note that when you say that “I am not talking to you” … it’s not actual punishment.  They think it is a good thing.

Capricorn | Dec 22 to Jan 19

People at work are calling you the lantern. You think it is a compliment as you believe you are a shining light of the office. It is actually because they think you are dimly lit and need to be carried.