Your Stars in July

When old jokes don’t work on young people and other problems of the modern age

Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb 18

Innovative, progressive, and shamelessly revolutionary, you have always wanted to name your children after expensive things, like Mercedes and Porsche, your first two born. But calling your third child Iceberg Lettuce is a bit extreme.

Pisces | Feb 19 to March 20

Pisces is an intuitive sign – so you know you are getting old and your old jokes don’t work on the younger generation. Like when it’s your turn to do the car pool for junior netball and you yell out, “Let’s go, girls”, then break into “Man! I feel like a woman!” to the embarrassment of your kids.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

As you’re getting older and wiser it’s important to concentrate on the important things in life, like career, finances and family. Not going to bed each night wondering how Tarzan never managed to grow a beard before he was rescued.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Try to understand that your interpretation of things can be confusing. Like the time you asked an old man at the ATM if he needed help. He said he wanted to check his balance, so you pushed him and he fell to the ground. Turns out he did not have good balance.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Are you so busy you wish you could clone yourself to get everything done? That’s the Gemini experience. After a hard day’s work you say you want to sleep like a baby. But who wants to wrapped up tight in a blanket and wake up with poo in your pants. Save that for retirement.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Represented by the crab, Cancer exists in both emotional and material realms – like trying to get more people to a union march. Pay the Barmy Army to lead the marches and the chants and thousands will attend for the entertainment.

Leo | July 23 to Aug 22

You’re passionate, loyal, and infamously dramatic, yet it’s time to grow up and stop doing things you thought were funny when you were a teenager. Like giving your partner a Dutch oven. A Dutch flap is a better option. After expelling your ‘wind’ just lift the doona up as you roll over.

Virgo | Aug 23 to Sept 22

You know the expression, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person?” Well, that’s the Virgo. Test your children’s maths by getting them to work out percentages of a road crew leaning on a shovel whilst sitting in roadwork traffic for
25 minutes whilst they do their ‘work.’

Libra | Sept 23 to Oct 22

Harmony, and justice define Libra’s energy. When asking for a raise you told your boss that three companies said you need a wage rise. When the boss asked which three you said: “The gas, water and electricity companies.”

Scorpio | Oct 23 to Nov 21

Elusive and mysterious, Scorpio is one of the most misunderstood signs. Your relationships are about compromise and problem-solving.
Sure, you did not have these problems and compromises when you were single.

Sagittarius | Nov 22 to Dec 21

Sagittarians are always on a quest for knowledge.  Like discovering that the toothbrush was invented by someone from Penrith. How did you work this out? Because anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.

Capricorn | Dec 22 to Jan 19

What is the most valuable resource? For Capricorn, the answer is time. These are the people who spend hundreds of dollars to go to a live concert and then spend all of their time at the concert trying to record the concert on the phone to replay later. Rather than just simply watch and enjoy the concert whilst you are there.