Your Stars in May

Starlight Bob finds satire in the skies.

Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb 18

As your holiday approaches you are catching up with your wife’s family. It is advised that you pack a big coat as the reception you get is always frosty.

Pisces | Feb 19 to March 20

Whilst you read my work with great interest, you may still feel the need to see a psychic. Just roll up. They would have known you were coming.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You find old photos of when you were a kid at your grandma’s house. Hiding in the wardrobe you thought you’d found lollies, then you asked yourself why Kool Mints and moth balls looked so alike.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It’s the first time in 1000 years Venus, Mars, Jupiter and the earth will align. Time to consider the big questions: Was Alexander great?

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Mercury is the hottest planet and this impacts your love life. Seeing your partner bent over the freezer brought on a spontaneous act, unfortunately, you are now banned from Bulli Woolies.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your new partner was curious when you said your “private parts” were in the Guinness Book of Records. They’ll be less impressed when you say this was only until the librarian told you to take it out and put the book back on the shelf.

Leo | July 23 to Aug 22

Remember all those years ago your mother said: “I cannot wait until you have kids”. Now, as your kids spit out more dummies than you’d see at a Wiggles concert, the smirk on her face is priceless.

Virgo | Aug 23 to Sept 22

You impress your new partner by saying you were among the first to embrace craft beer. Yet like many people, you hate it. Now you have to drink it all the time and smile when you get it as a gift.

Libra | Sept 23 to Oct 22

Always be good to your children – because they’ll pick your nursing home.

Scorpio | Oct 23 to Nov 21

You were outraged when you heard people living in Bulli can’t be buried at Bulli cemetery. After putting it out on social media you learnt that the reason people living in Bulli can’t be buried at Bulli is because they’re still LIVING.

Sagittarius | Nov 22 to Dec 21

You want everyone to know how environmentally conscious you are. Yet the impact of your iPhone and Apple watch is worse than anything. Let alone the fact they’re made in sweatshops.

Capricorn | Dec 22 to Jan 19

You did nothing when they made Pluto a dwarf planet. No planet wants to be called this! Get a petition together for it to be called a “little planet”.